alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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