I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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