You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
This is the high leading the old right now
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
