i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
