You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
