So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
