i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
sarcasm needs its own font
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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