I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
