but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
