Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
