I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
