I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
