dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
