sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
