My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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