I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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