I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
