I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
