when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Randomize
