So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
