everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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