Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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