a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
