just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
