he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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