I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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