Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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