If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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