Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
