She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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