She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
