did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
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