Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
