I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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