It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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