Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
