I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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