don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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