I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
