I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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