what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
