my being single is dangerous.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
