What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
