I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
They took my balls.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
