From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
please come you make the beer taste better
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
