A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
