Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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