grandma shit on top of the toilet
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
