3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We named our party play list daddy issues
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
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