We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
