You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
